It'll Wash Out

Mistakes.  We all make them.  The difference is how long do you hold on to them?  As my daughter dyed her hair she wondered if she was making a mistake with the color she chose.  I said, "Don't worry.  If it was a mistake it'll wash out.  It's not permanent."  How do you view your past mistakes?  Have they become permanent in your life?  I look back and see a trail of mistakes that seem to follow me no matter where I go.  I try hard to focus on the road ahead, but instead I seem to always turn around and walk that sordid trail.  The trail of good intentions that turn into mistakes.  I would think by now my flood of tears would have wiped that trail out.  Instead, they only seem to create rivers that runs alongside it.  How long will it take for my tears to flood that trail and wipe it out once and for all?  What does it take?  Perhaps it is not those tears that will wash it out.  I know in my heart that trail is not permanent.  I know that if I keep looking forward and find gratitude in things that exist in the present, that trail becomes smaller and smaller.  It'll washout with every thanks and giving.  It'll wash out with every moment looking forward.  It'll wash out when I decide that it no longer exists.


Live Large and Be Free!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Hey, can I ask you a question?  What does love got to do with it?

It is no surprise what the issues are of today.  We see it everywhere.  The news, social media, movies, TV shows, take your pick: marriage equality, equal rights for every person. Everyone is questioning the morality of love.  Everyone is secretly wondering- are people deserving of equal treatment, or hellfire and brimstone.

I don't know the answer to that question.  But here is what I do know- so indulge me a little.

I do know that there are those out there searching for that special someone. That one person who understands the real you (and me).  That someone who will stand by your side no matter what.  That someone who accepts you for you and nothing less.

I do know that love doesn't come wrapped up in pretty little packages.  In fact, it's just the opposite.  Love comes with strife, doubt, distrust and it sometimes comes with a price.

I do know that love is not a fairytale or that happy ending in a movie or book. Love strives to beat the odds and to aspire to that "happy ending."

I do know that love is not prejudice, it does not judge, and it is unconditional.

How does love fit in today' world?  A world divided.  A world where one-half says, "be you" and the other-half says "no, you cannot be you."

Through my plain and simple eyes I do know that there are many types of love.  The love of a mother or father, the sister or the brother, the boyfriend or the girlfriend, husband and wife, wife and wife, husband and husband.  It comes in many shapes and forms.  The one thing that is clear, however, those who do love, do it sacrificially, uncompromisingly, and without fear.

I will never understand people.  I will never understand how you can pick and choose your battles.  Do I judge someone for their drug abuse?  Or do I judge someone for their choice of a mate?  Do I judge someone for their lack of loyalty or do I judge someone for having a few drinks on the weekend?  What is funny is that all of us like to judge.  Period.  We do it everyday.  We do it in every way.  If you don't think you do, you are in denial.  And it's not just a river.

If we as Christians truly do love, or profess to love, then start showing it. Show it by understanding that everyone comes from a different place.  A different experience.  Show it by embracing rather than trashing.  Show it by living a life of example.  Otherwise, we are all just hypocrites living in a shadow of a perfect world.  

                         What does love got to do with it?  Everything.

A Conflicted World

No one ever said life would be easy, in fact, we learn very early on what the real world is like: A place full of conflict. I think back to first grade when the true meaning of conflict arose. There was a sense of urgency there.  Urgency to make friends. To be accepted. To be popular. No one wanted to be the odd man out. No one wanted to be the last person picked. No one wanted to be on the outside. But that was me- always on the outside looking in. Never a part of things called cliques, groups, or clubs. I was always watching. Waiting. Wanting. And then I grew up. We all do. We grow into a world that would love to swallow us whole. A world that strives on conflicts. A world that would rob us of simple joys, rather than granting a life of peace.

In this world, I don't claim to know a lot of things. In fact, I claim to know nothing; only living by what my hearts feels and sees. I see snow covered mountain tops from the aerial view of a plane, and my heart sores with a sense of freedom. I see a glorious sunrise illuminating darkened skies, and my heart feels pangs of hope. I see people's eyes: the windows to their hearts.  I know when pain resides there, I know when joy dances there, and my heart feels the weight of it all. And my heart also knows that when we leave a place we never really leave, because part of our being will always exist there.
   

When I see streams of sunlight filter through turbulent clouds of doubt and futility,  my heart tells me that this world of conflict will never be our home. That our heart fragments are scattered from the events of time, and eventually settle into piles of our life essences- essences that brings us to places of clarity and focus. We grasp onto small things- things that make our lives worth living: a newborn baby's cry, a joy-filled smile of a small child, the first kiss experienced in youth, and the moment you link your heart forever with someone else's. 

Yes, this world may be filled with conflict, but in our heart of hearts we know that we have no ownership of things of this world. We all cling to the belief that as long as we have love, we will never be alone. But love, in this world, is sometimes a fleeting thing and my truest sense of love will always be linked to a greater, spiritual reality. It will always be tied to a thing called hope and faith. Because, after all, that is all we really own while we are here.


Live Large and Be Free!

Brushstrokes of the Heart

They say that hindsight is 20/20. That you can see more clearly when you look back. That you have more understanding and are able to reason through decisions and choices you made. That may be true for most, but for me, when I look back my vision is more nearsighted, than far. Events are fuzzy, unclear. Simply allowing time to pass was not enough for me to gain clarity.  It wasn't until I left or the term I like best, "pushed" outside my life circle that I was able to really "see" how things were.

I believe that when we give ourselves a chance to change our perception, we give ourselves the gift of understanding. Perception is reality.  Perception is a tricky thing that will give truth to what we see and feel. It justifies our actions. It gives us liberty to live our lives as we see fit. The problem with perception is that we can become stuck. We can build up blinders to only see things one way. In the past year, I have learned that my perception of things used to be stagnant. My focus was pinpointed to objects right in front of me. I did not see the whole picture. As I opened my line of vision, I started to "see" things in my former life circle that I was blind to before. A sad face, hurt feelings, loneliness that only one can suffer within the confines of their own heart. I excluded the hard stuff and focused on the things I could change or control.

I may not always understand the landscape of my life. The blurred lines, the sharp contrasts, or the colors that blend into moods and feelings. When I face my life painting and step back, I start to see blurred lines come into focus and I start to understand things that were once obscure.

Time does not heal all wounds, hindsight is not 20/20 for me, but my perspective is always changing.  It is always coming in and out of focus. And as the art of my life changes, I hope my perspective will always change along with it, allowing new information to seep in to help me understand my life work.

Our brushstrokes and our different shades and hues may be different, but I believe that we are all working on our canvases, trying to master the Art of Life. 

I wonder what colors, shapes and images will be in my next painting...

Until then,

Live Large and Be Free!

Bah! Humbug!

Today, as I sweated my butt off to the oldies but goodies, I got to thinking about all the pet peeves in the past week that made me want to rear my ugly head of sarcasm and intolerance. As I looked around my mirror-filled workout room I noticed that some people actually had the audacity to show up with make-up infused faces, fresh blown-out hairdos, and reeking of perfume that wafted through all the sweat and gore. I thought to myself, "What the heck? Are these people serious about working out, or are they seriously trying to impress those of us who show up in our sweats, with our hair scooped up in sloppy ponytails, and the fresh scent of mint toothpaste mixed with baby powder deodorant as our eau de toilette?" And then as I looked around, my attention turned to people on their phones and it made me think about texting and walking. No one ever mentions anything about texting and walking. These people are dangerous, too! They walk like a drunk person, weaving back and forth across your path. You literally have to become a defensive walker in order to avoid a collision with them. And have mercy if you are in a hurry behind one-good luck in maneuvering around them. Speaking of phones, how about those voicemail messages that take forever to retrieve? First you have to listen to the prompt, then you have to listen to that lady (who she is I don't know) tell you how to listen to your messages (for the millionth time) and then you get to listen to the one-sided conversation about why you didn't pick up in the first place and it goes something like this...."Hi, I'm not sure what you are up to or what you are doing? Maybe you're driving or shopping or in the bathroom..."  So by the time you actually hear the real point of the message you might as well have just called the person in the first place and bypassed the whole sordid affair. So as I lamented about lost time with voicemails, I thought about Christmas shopping and the holidays- is it already here?!? Where did time go?? Which led me to think about those blogs about families cancelling Christmas this year because of bratty children. Forget about teaching your child ALL year long to be giving, caring, and compassionate---naw, we'll just save it for the holidays- let's obliterate Christmas. My pet-peeve list goes on and on...from crazy drivers to rude people who pop my personal bubble in checkout lines.

Then, I had to stop myself. What have I become? Why am I being such a negative Nelly? It's Christmas time. Time for love, time for cheer, time for some good ole yule tide! Yet, I see this marquis above my head flashing SCROOGE with an arrow pointing down at me. This can't be. And I started to think. Maybe during this time of year I can find my patient and accepting self, and rather than grouch about petty things I could focus more on the positive side of things. Now, I don't know why it is that when it comes to Christmas everyone contemplates a little bit more.  We try to be a little nicer, a little cheerier, a little more of something extra. And I guess I am one of those people. Whatever the reason for the season is, I know that each year brings potential to do more...to act more...and to think more. 

And as I watch my glamorous work-out partners begin to sweat, I smile a grinchy smile, as I see their mascara begin to run and their hair to deflate.  And I come to the conclusion that we all end up in the same place- messy and tired human beings. But that's okay, because in the end we are all together in this thing called life!

Live Large and Be Free!

You Are What You Wear

You are what you wear...sounds a bit superficial....but I'm not talking designer labels and brands. I'm not talking chic or presumptuous. What I am talking about is how we dress for the day is a compass to where our day will take us. I've heard of an author who worked from home who would dress every day as if she were headed to the office. It made her feel as though she was ready to get down to business. That really spoke to me, because there has been many a day where I have failed to get out of my pajamas--thinking that there was nothing to dress for, no job, nowhere to go, and nothing to do. But I was wrong. I am slowly realizing that whatever I choose to dress in for the day guides me to where I need to go.  If I sport a workout outfit, I know eventually I will choose to go to the gym or for a walk. If I put on my casual clothes, I'm ready for errands. If I dress up, I'm ready for a night out. Whatever the outfit is, it will surely guide my path.

I will never own expensive name brands. I probably will never put more than mascara and lip gloss on for make-up, and I will probably never take more than ten minutes to do my hair. But what I will do is get dressed. I will put on the tennis shoes, or the casual boots, or some heels, because I am choosing not to stay in my pajamas today.

Today, I think I will put on my running shoes...

Live Large and Be Free!






  

Aye! Aye! Captain!

Lying on my back, I squint the bright, blue sky away as I feel calm ripples of water stroking my back. My raft bobs up and down over small waves. The only sound is the water sloshing against the raft. I have no paddle or oars. It is the warm breeze that is guiding me. The direction I'm going? Well, that is up to fate. 

Over a year ago, the scenario was quite different. I think of the first line of Moby Dick, "Call me Ishmael." Funny that it kind of rhymes with Mishel.  "Call me Mishel," now that has a nice ring to it. But unfortunately, it's not the sound of our names that are similar. No, not at all. It was the purpose and lengths we would go to - to achieve our goals - to the detriment of everyone around us. Back then, my transport of choice was a high-powered speedboat. I drove that thing into the direction I saw was my destiny, oftentimes ignoring those who were most important to me and blinding myself with ambition. 

Somewhere along the way, I chose to lose myself in a job that I thought was a higher calling. In the name of all that was good, I took it to a level where I no longer knew which way I was driving my boat. How easy it was to immerse myself and then eventually lose myself. Had I'd known about the destruction, deceit, and loneliness that awaited me on that path, I would have flipped a U-ey and all you would have seen was a huge water wake behind me.

Lately I have been floating along on my raft. Sometimes looking up to see if there is land in the horizon and noticing that my supplies are running low. But after commandeering a super fast, speed boat, it was nice to just sit back and let go of the wheel. Unfortunately, I can't float along forever. At some point, I have to make the decision to paddle or face being lost at sea. 

This time around, I pray that God will give me a nice, little, electric motorboat.

 


Live Large and Be Free!