This weekend I agreed to do the unthinkable. The dangerous! The daring! I decided to let my 15 year-old daughter drive me around while I was in town. The harrowing speeds, the lane changes that did not include a full turn of the neck to see if another car was coming, and the missed stop sign where I saw my life flash before my eyes, all confirmed that indeed I would have a stroke or a heart attack by the end of my time with her. But like all good parents, I wanted my daughter to gain experience and confidence in her driving skills. I wanted to be her co-pilot as I taught and she learned from her mistakes. Never in my life did I feel so completely out of control in a situation that seems to call for all control. I can still hear her say, "MOM. I know you are pushing the invisible brake, I can see your leg and foot!" And, "Mom, quit telling me to slow down (my mantra throughout our excursions) I know what I am doing and I am not going to hit the car in front of me!" Her exhortations had me stop dead in my tracks and realize that She's Got This! And little by little I let go. Not completely, mind you, every once in a while my leg would jerk with a small spasm!
I know that I have always gone through life with an invisible brake. Wanting to help my children avoid mistakes, stopping myself from making my own mistakes, and helping friends and family, as well. My invisible brake gives me a sense of control when I feel that I have none. There is a false power there that tricks my mind into believing it actually works! But like the car, an invisible brake is futile. Whatever is going to happen will happen, and no amount of stomping or pushing on it will stop the car. Life moves forward, everyone makes mistakes, and we either accept, deny, or learn from them.
I am learning to let go of my invisible brake and to give it to Someone who does have power in it, if I let Him. I know that I will always want to fiercely protect what is mine, but I also know that life happens. My knee jerk reaction to push the brake will always be there, but I can let go of the feeling that it's all up to me if it works out or not. God has allowed me that freedom.
Live Large and Be Free!
Oh the simple life of a dog! Eat, run, play, eat some more...So easy and yet so profound.
How many times have our "best friends" revealed to us simple life lessons?
It cracks me up when I look to my "best friend" and realize that she is living the life she is meant to live; taking each new day as it comes and forever excited to just be alive.
There are three wonderful rules that I have learned from my "best friend."
Rule #1:
Persistence Pays Off!
No matter how many times we have said, "No!" to Lady to jumping on the couch or the bed, this dog will stop at nothing to get her way. From being sneaky, with one paw at a time, she will creep, crawl, and nonchalantly ease her way up onto whatever we are sitting on. And no matter how many times we push her off, she tries, tries, and tries again, until she knows that she has completely worn us down and eventually we relent. In her eyes, "Success!"
Lady's persistence has taught me that even though people may push you away, sometimes they need you to keep trying. We sometimes need that loyal friend or life partner to keep pushing until we open up and let them in, because in the spoils comes a deeper and closer relationship.
Rule #2:
Everyday is a new start full of enthusiasm!
Dogs wake up everyday with a blank slate. No matter what happened the day before or even the night before, they wake up with tails wagging and with eyes that seem to say,"What are we doing today? A walk? The park? Anything?!"
How many of us look at each day as a new beginning? A new challenge? Sometimes all our humanness gets in the way and we put up roadblocks that prevent us from living each day to its full potential. I know we all have bad days, but we don't have to carry them over. We can choose to let go and start again. Making each day better than the day before. The opportunities are endless!
Rule #3:
An old dog can be taught new tricks.
Dogs are forever mold-able and trainable. They are so eager to please and to learn. Even the oldest of dogs can be taught new commands if the owner has enough patience and time to invest in them.
In life, I hope that I am always mold-able and trainable. I hope I never stop learning and being eager to learn. We sometimes think that we can't take the next step in searching for a new job or to learn new computer programs or some advanced technology. The day I become stagnant and resistant to change is the day I hope my end has come. We don't have to be creatures of habit. We can break into new opportunities and learn new "commands" just as easily, if we just take the time to invest in ourselves.
A dog's life is simple. Maybe its time we learn from their simplicity and start to live life to the fullest.
Live Large and Be Free!
What is home? Where is home? Is it a building with four walls? Is it a geographic location that you know well? You know the streets like the back of your hand? Do the memories lurk on every corner and places you've been to, experiences you've lived? What happens when you leave? Does it mean that you no longer have a home?
Sitting in my new "home" I think about my old "home" often. The familiar people, the familiar places: the just plain familiar. My heart is attached to it. My heart yearns for it. And yet it was the familiar that pushed me away. The familiar hurts, the familiar pain. I know that life is comprised of many decisions; decisions to stay and decisions to go. Decisions when we see a fork in the road and we ultimately decide which path we will take. Our heart compass takes over, and we go.
As I breathe in this warm Texas air, I remember how just a short while ago I was breathing in the cool Pacific Northwest air. What a contrast! And yet, I am now calling this home. I am faced with the reality that new memories have to be made. New familiarities will eventually be born. But something else also hits me: the realization that in my heart of hearts, I know exactly where home is. Home for me will always be my loved ones. They will always be the ones who guide my heart compass. Home is not location. It is not a building filled with material things. Home is where my children's hearts are. It is where true love and understanding exists. It is uncompromising and unconditional. It is the fuel that keeps my heartblood pumping.
As long as I have that...I will always be home.
Live Large and Be Free!
Today I woke up with all the normal excuses that run through my head. Excuses for not putting one foot in front of the other to hit the pavement or go to the gym. I have a plethora of them:
Today I will skip my work out because (circle one please):
a. I went to bed late and I'm tired
b. I plan to eat very healthy today
c. I will go later this afternoon (ha!)
d. none of the above
e. all of the above
How many times have I put myself into denial mode about the weight that is slowly creeping to my thighs, gut, and (gasp) my chin!! I am the Queen of Dieting and the Queen of Exercising. I am perhaps the most food motivated person you will ever meet. I will go anywhere, attend anything, as long as food is involved. Food gives me that satiated feeling of contentedness. And yet, exercise does that for me, too! What a stark contradiction. I can be food addicted on one hand, and then exercise addicted on the other. I can go from running a few blocks a day to training for a full marathon in 3 months time. I can go from religiously counting calories everyday, to binging on the restaurant franchises around me. Yes, my yo-yo life has always been very present and real.
Today I decided to circle (d.) none of the above. Today I decided to put one foot in front of the other and haul my 30+ lb overweight body to the gym. Although the workout was not pretty (and why is it that these exercise rooms have mirrors on all four sides???), I huffed and puffed my way through; thinking all the while how could I let myself go? But, as I started to feel my heartbeat go up and beads of sweat dripping off my face, I felt the surge of the upswing of my yo-yo. My pendulum was swinging back. Of course my instructor was just a sprite of a woman: bubbly and exploding with energy. But somehow that energy transferred to me. Her hi-fives and shouts of encouragement fueled me. And I realized what it was that I was missing: Encouragement. I had it for years with my running mates and groups. I had it when I was in the throes of recruiting new runners. I had it for years with hiking buddies. And now I am in new territory. Texas territory . Alone territory. I came to the realization that to find encouragement I needed to actively seek it. It was not going to find me.
I will probably always swing back and forth on my yo-yo ride, going up and then down (with weight), but I know that everyday is brand new. Every morning when I rise, I have the opportunity to succumb to my excuses or battle them and win. Today I choose to win.
But encourage each other daily, while it is still called Today, so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception. Hebrews 3:13
Live Large and Be Free!
Oh the woes in the quest for gainful employment. It seems as though those first few days are sparkly and bright with optimism. First, you only apply to those jobs that are lucrative and almost a dream-come-true type opportunity. All other listings seem boring and not worthy of your time to apply. Then as the weary days come and go, self-introspection begins. Is it my resume? Is it my cover letter? Maybe I forgot to dot the "i's" or cross the "t's." Soon the less than appealing jobs seem more and more appealing. Sure, I will work part-time! Sure, I will work weekends! You want to pay me an impoverish wage? Sure, I will work for pennies! Everything and anything becomes more and more appealing. And all was appealing until the moment I hit a government advertisement for what seemed like a great opportunity. Working for the police department. As I read the details a horrible sentence popped out at me and my heart skipped a beat, "All applicants will have to go under a polygraph test." WTF? A polygraph test? Immediately my mind went to OMG, I wonder what the questions are? As my thoughts raced, I pictured the interview going as follows:
Polygrapher: Have you ever cheated on anything?
Me: Define cheating? Because I have cheated on my diet, I have cheated myself out of opportunities. Um, how far back does this question go? High school?
Polygrapher: Have you ever done anything illicit?
Me: (Heart is racing, beads of sweat are building on my forehead) Define illicit? Behaviors? Um, I think I have. That doesn't ruin my chances does it?
Polygrapher: Ma'am have you ever broken the law?
Me: Oh crap (sweat is rolling off my forehead now) um, ya. You don't need details, do you?
Polygrapher: Have you ever stolen anything?
Me: Crap, yes, when I was seven I stole a pack of Bubblicious Bubble Gum, strawberry flavor if you wanted to know! (Which my mother's eagle eye caught me and made me go back inside the store and give it back to the scary cashier man)
Polygapher: Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Me: Thank God, NO! (A little sigh of relief escapes)
And so on and on the questions go. Delving into my inconspicuous past. Making me dredge up all my wrong-doings. All my faults. Geez, this job doesn't seem as appealing anymore! Then I had to sit back, take a deep breath and let it out. And then something happened.
A peace came over me.
Yes, I do have a past. Some of it good, some of it bad. But if it were not for the past, I would not be who I am today. No, I am not perfect today. But I have also learned from my past and take those teachings into my future. And a smile came across my lips, because when I think about God being a polygrapher, I don't have to sweat and my heart doesn't have to race, because He already knows the answer to every one of those questions. And He is still here with me.
Live Large and Be Free!
