Once upon a time, the Queen Diva in me wanted acceptance, love, and the bright spotlight of success shining on my religious ways. From fervently volunteering to ultimately taking a job within the church, I sought every conceivable way to be validated as a good...wait...I mean...GREAT , SUPERB, AWESOME Christian! Let me show you how I can dress up my kids to reflect the great mother I am, let me do a drive by with my mom taxi so you can see that I am the best carpooler ever, let me show you how perfectly matched my marriage was in order to show other young couples what they could aspire to; and to show the patriarchs that yes, we are making it work! And finally, let me say Yes! to every volunteer request to show how through my works I am one great, big, ball of awesomeness! Christian awesomeness. Is there no other higher calling? After all, are we not supposed to walk the walk and talk the talk?
The problem with that life, I found out, is that I was talking the talk, but not walking the walk. My sinful pride, my sinful ways, and in my selfishness, I chose not to be real with myself or with God. And I don't mean airing out dirty laundry...because who wants to smell that?! What I mean is that my duplicity of life took away pieces of a beautiful relationship with Christ. At church and work I had it down pat. I was supermom, super worker, and super churchgoer. At home? I struggled with addiction, self-image, and self-worth. The Queen Diva of Destruction led me on a path where the last place I could go was the church.
The duplicity I saw in my own life, I saw in church life. How many times have I communed with Pillars of the Church, the exemplary people who are involved in everything- deaconesses, Sabbath school teachers, elders, and so on and so forth that are so good at hiding their sins that none are the wiser. I've had friends who in one night would drink in their closet to hide their own addiction from their kids and then show up the next day preaching to the youth to stay away from sinful things. I had friends who would in the name of "concern" pray for my sins as a form of gossip- never praying with me- only about me. I have had friends who disappeared when, pardon me, the $*@# hit the fan. No, going to the church for help was not an option.
Living in a little (church) box led me to where I am today. I allowed my church box to confine, cramp, and even suffocate me. I allowed my idealistic view of the community of church to distort the truth, which ultimately hurt and broke me. But not all churches are like this you say. Maybe your church is different. I doubt it. We are all human. We all want to see other people's problems on display so that ours look infinitesimal in comparison. How many times have you looked to your spouse or partner and said, "I know we have our own problems, but I'm so glad we don't have their problems!" Or when a teen goes astray and we utter, "Oh my! I wonder what went wrong in their family? Must be the parents." And , finally, my favorite church phrase, "Did you hear about so and so? Did you also hear what they did? Let's pray for them!" Whatever the catch phrases are- they are all universal. They can be heard anywhere, any time.
Today I have decided that part of Livin Large is to let go of my little church box of hurt and focus on the ultimate good phrase: What Would Jesus Do?
This universal phrase gives hope to my cynical heart. It keeps my faith in check. It points me to God and not the church. It is a box with no walls, no locks, and no rules. It is a box that holds Jesus' promise that He will love us forever and never let go. It is the only box I want to live in.
No, I am not a Christian; I am a broken and sinful follower of Christ.
Live Large and Live Free!
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